UltimateLovingKind

June 1, 2012

I Am Longing

I am sitting under the sun on our balcony. I am sitting under the sun and I am breathing as I let this moment sink in. I am sitting under the sun. This makes me feel content and happy with my life in this moment.

Lately I’ve been having this intense feeling of longing to hold a child in my arms. It feels like a sudden rush of hollowness in the pit of the stomach, then loneliness followed by an urge to feed the longing.

I get present, the longing goes away but the feeling of loneliness stays. It stays until I find something in my reality to mask my loneliness then it goes away somehow. It’s been a cycle of just this.

I get present and I realize that there are a few more journeys that are waiting to happen before I can continue to explore the meaning of this…this longing. There are a few more things that my partner and I want to accomplish before we bring our creation to this world. Ultimately my own desire is for my heart to have less or no hatred at all before I become a mother. There are a few people from my past and my present that are swimming in my head that I would like to make peace with. Even if they are not in my life now, I want nothing but to forgive them and forgive myself for still carrying this load. I’d like to feel that freedom inside.

I continue to be amazed by the changes that are happening in my life. It certainly becomes more real every day. Real meaning, I am slowly feeling the surface of the Earth, the ground, and discovering more meaning here. Here in between heaven and Earth. I am opening up to more emotions everyday, I am learning what they are and how and when to approach (and NOT to approach) them through trial and error. I am learning to embrace womanhood while I continue to nurture my inner Peter Pan. I continue to discover what it is to be a part of this, to be a part of a you, and all that surrounds us. And you know what? It does take a lot of patience, understanding, and motivation to play in this playground. My breath constantly reminds me that I am here with a body equipped to survive, this is my motivation.

Now I feel that my writing has come to an end and I leave you with my thanks for allowing me to share this with you.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Denise

This is where I am today, in this moment.

Leave a comment | tags: love, life, spirit, self, now, emotions, feet, women, longing, feelings, here, womanhood | posted in Photo, Life, Love, Spirit, Body, Heart, Self

May 12, 2012

S E A L

By denisesteps

“What you seek is seeking you.” -Rumi

1 comment | posted in Life

May 10, 2012

Being There for Yourself is Love in its Highest Form

By denisesteps

Today, I recognize, give gratitude, and offer forgiveness to myself for the unpleasant experiences I had in the past.

About three weeks ago, I felt an energy from my external world trigger a space inside my body that I did not know exist. This space happen to contain some events from my childhood,teenage years, and adulthood that I lived in denial about. This space contains deep-rooted hurt, shame, guilt, resentment, and suppressed anger. This space contains the memories that I thought I have forgotten.

Although I was scared shitless and extremely anxious with this discovery, I allowed myself to look at the contents of this space. Slowly, I remembered as though the events were from yesterday. I allowed my head to show me the things that I hid from random periods of my life. I allowed my trapped emotions to come out in the surface and play. I let it run it’s course.

For two weeks, I met with different stories and emotions. I was sad like never before and I carried the rage of a violent person. I did not know how far it will take me to accept this but I knew to trust the process.

Eventually, I felt an understanding happen between my past and my present–that I may not be able to forget (or hide) these memories again, but I can forgive and keep moving on to my present. Whatever it was or wasn’t, whatever I did or did not do, I forgive myself.

The shift happened when I started looking at it as a great opportunity to be there for myself, to cradle my little child that needs nurturing and love, and to feel the rawness of a powerful emotion that is anger. I am given an opportunity to know and embrace another piece of me. This experience definitely gave me more confidence and trust in myself. It helps to have such an amazing, loving and supportive partner. Our partnership creates such wonderful space for each other, a solid foundation that gives me the courage I need to go through my own process.

I continue to give myself the support and space that I need so I can heal and keep growing. I hope you do the same for you.

Being there for yourself is love in its highest form. I encourage you to always check in with yourself.

In my sitting meditation (alone time), I breath in and I breathe out and then I say to myself, “I am here for you. I love you and I forgive you.”

Leave a comment | tags: alone time, experience, life, Meditation, moment, past, present, story | posted in Awareness, Body, Health, Life, Spirit